A letter to my kiddos, probably the first of many

Dear M&M,

Year 2020 is revealing itself to be a chaotic year. When you ‘google’ (hopefully still a term for ‘search’) this year, you will see lots of negative news like the worldwide pandemic called COVID-19, the sudden passing of many well-known people, and it has also been a personal struggle for your mommy me (health wise and job wise, more about that next time).

I have always been someone who thought about death, and thought about how one can prepare for it. At age 10, before going for my first and only cruise trip, I actually wrote a letter to thank my parents and listed my friends. I wished to live longer when I was young, afraid that I would have an untimely demise due to childhood illness or an accident. In summary, I was or am, pretty paranoid in many cases. It is to note that many of the things that I was paranoid as a child came true – for example, someone falling into the train tracks at a particular MRT station; people falling down the escalator; and other accidents I shall not name.

The first person that I lost who was close to me was my maternal grandfather, also known as my ah gong (1). His passing was quite surreal, because my cousin supposedly visited one day before he passed and in general he was not exactly in the best of health. It didn’t affect me that much, as I wasn’t that close to him. But he was the first loss that I experienced, and the first time is usually something you remember the most or significantly.

I could go on and on about this especially after losing my paternal grandparents in the span of a few years (2008 and 2010) that I was really close to but that is not the main point in this letter.

My first point to you is that :

Although mommy should be with you at least till you are older (like 30 and beyond, hopefully), I will always love you. We can always cherish the memories that we have together and even without me you will find the strength and love to grow up happily, healthily and with kindess. It is about having faith that I am around you somehow, perhaps through a memory, so you can hold on to that even when I am not physically around. It should shape you for the better, and you will always have siblings and other family members, and even close friends to rely on. 🙂

My second point to you is that:

Live your life, take chances – No one actually knows about life fully, so to be honest I think people who seem to have their shit together is just being bullshit / acting very well. HAHA – of course some do have a better inkling than others, but if you keep to good values, e.g. kindness, not cheating people, not doing bad deeds – you are on the right track. Do you need to be the BEST? If you want to. Do you need to be the star runner? If you have the passion to be. At my age (32, not that old), it feels that there is no right or wrong in how you want to live your life. Take a chance, give it a shot – especially if you know what you have passion in. If you can do it, great! If you can’t do it, so what? It is really up to you – I’m saying this with the basis that I think you truly understand what is great for you and not at the point where you are an angsty teenager who wants to run away from school. (*prays*)

My third point to you is that:

Have faith (in a religion that is legit), and be close to your family (& friends if you have loyal ones). While in your youth friends seem to make up your world, you will see yourself moving away from your friends, just because – work, moving apart geographically, moving apart in life stage. Sometimes when it gets tough, it doesn’t hurt to have faith – if you don’t have a friend to talk to, having faith and speaking to God will definitely help. I am not pushing you to have any particular religion, because this is something you need to discover.

That’s all for letter 1 – let’s see if we can keep this up.

Love you always,

Mommy

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